When Sarah was a week old, her left eye was spewing out some sort of gunk. No matter how much we cleaned it, that eye was almost always glued shut with all that crud. It bothered me, so I did everything that big wide world of the Internet and motherhood forums told me to do – wiping the eye with cool boiled water, breastmilk, weak chamomile tea then massaging the inner corner of the eye (upwards) to ease any blocked tear ducts. Finally, I think it was the massage that worked, the eye was back to normal. It really was an uncomfortable 2 weeks for a new mother, helplessly facing a one-eyed baby who was in obvious discomfort.
After that, there was the eczema to contend with – angry red patches on her face and feet. Then the lack of appetite, then the late nights, then the mood swings (yes, believe it or not, 3-yr-olds have mood swings!). She would wake up crying, and whine about school everyday (yes, I checked with the teachers, and they say she’s fine in class).
When Scott was a month old, he simply could not keep his milk down. And he would cry incessantly, all day, every day. We assumed that he had caught a bug, but there was no fever. We thought that maybe he was just a difficult baby, and at times, I got really annoyed with him. Again, I turned to the only place that could offer any solace or assistance - Google. It could have been so many things including colic (Sarah never had it so I knew nothing about it) or reflux. Soon I was monitoring the amount of milk that he spit up, was it a slow dribble, or a full-on projectile vomit? How long after the feed did he regurgitate? Was I burping him enough? Did sleeping on an incline work? Was something in my diet irritating his gastrointestinal system? I was close to insanity. After a month, I brought him to the paediatrician and it turned out that his pyloric sphincter was acting out and he was crying out of pain. My poor baby! The doctor said that he would grow out of it, perhaps in 2 or 3 months, and prescribed some medication to ease the pain in the meantime. True enough, like magic, he stopped puking without medication after 3 months. Why didn’t I just take him in earlier, why did I listen to all the opinions around me, why didn’t I just follow my instincts?
Now Scott’s eczema has trumped Sarah’s three-fold – he scratches till he bleeds.
What prompted this post, was that for the past 2 days, Sarah woke up without crying. She let our helper get her ready for school, then came over to my room to say hello. And today, she did not utter a single word about not wanting to go to school; the first day in months! She was chirpy, loud, bossy – everything but whiny or weepy. I hadn’t realized how much I was affected (imagine bracing yourself everyday for a slew of tears and tantrums) until I was hit by an incredible feeling of lightness. For a moment, in the minutes spent chatting with her while putting on my makeup, I was happy, and it felt good.
This really confirms that life is an unpredictable rollercoaster ride. I can safely say that it has never been more tumultuous than the last 3 years. No matter how helpless or worried or sad I have been over exams or boyfriends, having a family has stretched my emotional rubberband to the limit. I have never experienced such levels of guilt, fatigue, joy, hopelessness, anger, patience and love. And I guess I have to constantly remind myself that no matter how bad things are, they too will eventually pass. The solutions may not always come straightaway, or from the obvious places, but the skies will clear at some point.
Or, I could snap. We'll see.
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drunk
busy
accomplished
mellow
tired
cheerful
awake
excited
cranky
annoyed
okay
amused
contemplative